Stop believing proven liars. You don’t have to be so fucking nice all the time.
I am not really in a position to quit my job right now… financially anyway… but I feel I must in order to preserve some form of emotional well-being. I also need to be put in a fighting position—something that forces me to create.
I started taking these painting classes last month. They are intended for everyone, no matter the skill level. Basically, we “copy” the masters. It’s a lot of fun, and you get to see how truly creative you are. We did one class where we dressed up as Frida Kahlo and painted ourselves with a unibrow. I enjoyed it so much that I started doing portraits. The results of what was supposed to be an experiment have been absolutely stunning, and I have had a few commissions out of the deal so far.
So let me chronicle for you the paintings in order:
1. First, we did Van Gogh’s Sunflowers:
2. Frida Kahlo Painting Party. Here is my sorta Self-portrait and the one I did on my own of my beloved, Beau:
3. Here is a better shot of Beau’s. I still have some touch ups to do:
After this, I did a really shitty portrait of myself. It looks more like me than my Frida does, but I am still not posting it here.
4. Luna Aeon, my gorgeous BFF:
There are others. There will be many, many more. I am really happy to be back into painting. This isn’t at all my first venture into the art world by any means. It is the first time that I have been really in love with what I am doing. I love people—there is beauty in everyone. I truly believe this. To capture even an ounce of it on canvas is so very special. To show my family and friends how my right brain sees them is emotional for all of us.
I need to quit this job. I NEEEEED to. The last two days have really shown this to me. Actually, the entire past year. It is a hostile environment for me, and I see no possible way to make it any better. It has been proven time and time again that I simply don’t matter here. There is nothing I can do that will ever mean anything to anyone at this place. Let me explain.
My boss is a bitch. God bless her, she is one of the meanest women I have ever met. This has served her well in many ways, but she doesn’t always use this appropriately. She is a horrible gossip, can’t live without conflict, and she really likes standing on my neck.
I have made great efforts to do things here to further the cause, generate revenue, etc. and because she has to have the glory, these things will never see sunlight. I know a lot about a lot of things, and this knowledge is never tapped unless she feels it makes her look good. I am blamed by her for her mistakes, and therefore blamed by her superiors, but I am not allowed to talk to those superiors, so I will never be able to stop it until I leave. The one that I could talk to would want to set up mediation between us which I feel would only make things worse. If she feels attacked—and it doesn’t take much to make her feel this way—she retaliates.
All of this, and I can’t hate her. I get angry with her, I feel a deep sense of compassion for her because I know that she is simply messed up. So am I. I have a lot of issues, so how can I begrudge her for hers? I can’t. So I must simply give up and go to a place where I do matter. I must start mattering to myself.